Helmeppo's Guide to Marine Training
by Bluejay Blaze
Summary: A series of one shots in the Cycle of Fate universe, focusing on Admiral Helmeppo and his apprentices. Possible appearances from Fleet Admiral Coby, Admiral Smoker, Garp the Fist, and the Straw Hat Pirates. Can be read separately from the main story.
1. Chapter 1

_Rule #1: A marine must maintain good hygiene and personal image. This means that the uniform is to be worn at all time while on duty, in all its constituent parts. The barracks are to be kept tidy, and personal cleanliness attended to no less than once per day._

Admiral Helmeppo could feel the headache coming on long before he met the recruits the fleet admiral had assigned to his care. He knew it was necessary though- they were in desperate need of more officers. Even Admiral Smoker had been conscripted into teaching. The result was- quite frankly- terrifying. Smoker's brats listened to no one but him and Garp, much like White Chase before them. They were, however, brilliant officers in the making. All three followed Smoker's unique brand of obsessive but moral justice. Fleet Admiral Coby had made it clear he would not tolerate fanatics of absolute justice in his ranks.

Friendship with the king of the pirates probably had a strong bearing on that.

As soon as he opened the door of the barracks, Helmeppo knew he didn't have to worry about his brats. Forget absolute justice, the three kids didn't look like they could follow directions. At least one of them hadn't even bothered to read the marine handbook.

The girl sat demurely in her corner, sewing. She appeared to be altering her uniform, shooting glares at the two boys. Helmeppo sighed, but figured he'd leave her to it. Coby would probably approve the alterations without much though. Although how the girl expected to be able to fight in a full skirt and petticoats was beyond the admiral.

On the other side of the room, the boys were total opposites. One had shucked out of his shirt, his clothes tossed carelessly on the floor as he hung upside down from his bunk. That one was doing crunches with a scarily familiar enthusiasm that his fully dressed counterpart lacked. The last member of the trio sat sulkily on his bunk, clearly not pleased about being there. Helmeppo could remember that feeling.

"Attention! Recruits, form up!"

Helmeppo restrained a sigh as his brats moved to line up. The girl was quick, but moved with an annoying softness. She didn't seem like marine material- more like a noble housewife. Her posture and salute were perfect though, which was more than could be said of the sulky boy. He slouched, putting as much distance between himself and the girl as possible.

The enthusiastic boy fell off his bunk onto his face. It didn't seem to bother him, as he raced to stand between his teammates, saluting before he had come to a full stop. Or rather, before tripping over the hem of the girl's skirt and planting his face in the floor at Helmeppo's feet.

Yep, there was that headache.

Helmeppo rubbed his temples. "Alright recruits, introduce yourselves."

"Petty officer Rose reporting for duty, Admiral Helmeppo! Call number ni-ni-yon-go-yon." Rose's voice was as delicate and pretty as her face and clothes. Helmeppo despaired teaching her to fight. She looked like a broken nail would make her collapse.

"Petty officer Lucius, son of Rear Admiral Malfaire. Call number ichi-san-yon-yon-hachi." Helmeppo was going to continue to think of Lucius as Sulky. The voice certainly fit. At least this boy's uniform was clean, pressed, and _on_.

"Petty officer Brody! Call number zero-zero-san-ni-go!" Brody leapt to his feet and saluted again.

Helmeppo nodded. "As you probably know, my name is Admiral Helmeppo. Fleet Admiral Coby has assigned you to me for the foreseeable future for training. Brody, get your shirt on."

The recruit eagerly complied, somehow managing to trip over his bed while retrieving his uniform. He also fell on his ass while getting back in line. Helmeppo despaired.

"Alright. Before we get to the first lesson, I want the three of you to tell me why you're here. Why did you join the marines?"

"Dad told me to," Lucius sulked. Well, at least his father wasn't a corrupt idiot like Helmeppo's own.

"I want to protect people." Helmeppo tried hard not to think about how unlikely it was that tiny little Rose could protect anyone. Maybe she would surprise him, after all. Coby used to be pretty small too.

The last recruit grinned widely. It was an oddly familiar expression. "I wanna catch Monkey D Luffy and the Straw Hat Pirates!"

Lucius snorted. "As if that's ever going to happen. The pirate king is friends with the fleet admiral, idiot."

"So?"

"He's off limits!"

"No one is off limits to justice!"

Helmeppo didn't have the heart to break Brody's idealistic bubble. The Tenryuubito, the Gorosei- there were definitely people off-limits to justice, or at least, the law. That was why the friendship between Coby and Luffy still worked. As pirate king, Luffy could deliver justice to those the fleet admiral couldn't touch. It meant that the government would always be after his head, but the people would be safer for it. Few marines ever tried all that hard to catch Straw Hat these days.

"Alright then you three. For your first assignment, you're going to clean these recruit barracks from top to bottom. By hand."

"Huh?" Lucius stared. "But that'll take ages! Isn't that what chore boys are for?"

Helmeppo groaned. "Do you think every ship of the lie has a chore boy? No! Marines keep their own bases and ships clean! If it's not done to my satisfaction by dinner, you'll be up all night until it is!"

Brody saluted sloppily and ran off to get started. Lucius sulked.

"But-!"

He was interrupted by a blow to the head from Rose. The tiny girl's fist sent Lucius sprawling as her eyes shone with cold fire.

"I won't share a room with boys who smell like dirty pirates!"

Lucius squeaked and took off to the laundry with impressive speed. Helmeppo raised his eyebrows at his female apprentice.

"You're stronger than you look."

"Of course." Rose smiled sweetly. "I have to be. With Mama gone, who else was going to keep all my little brothers in line? Please excuse me sir; I should probably go find Brody before he breaks something." A smashing sound made the girl wince. "Never mind, it appears too late for that."

Rather than rushing, Rose set off at a sedate pace. Helmeppo placed a hand on her shoulder as she passed him.

"If you see Brody with his shirt off again, please feel free to beat some sense into him. It's against regulations while on duty."

"Of course sir."


	2. Chapter 2

_Rule #2: A marine shall always address his superiors with respect._

A crash sounded further down the hall. Helmeppo sighed and ran faster. Crashes in this section of Marineford meant one of three things these days: either Garp was visiting, Luffy was, or Brody had broken something. None of the above were good for his blood pressure. So when the blond admiral rounded a corner to see both his old mentor and his extraordinarily clumsy student, he felt like ten years was being shaved off his life.

Brody, as usual, had his shirt open against regulations. He was holding a broom in one hand; a dustpan lay upside down on the floor amidst pieces of a broken vase. The normally loud, enthusiastic boy lay on his ass, staring up at Garp in awe through messy brown bangs. That last detail made Helmeppo huff. He made a note to get his boys to a hairdresser sooner rather than later- Lucius' hair wasn't in much better shape.

Then, just as Helmeppo was beginning to think he might be able to salvage the situation (not that he even knew what the situation was), Brody suddenly found his voice. "Oi! Old geezer! You're Monkey D Luffy's grandpa, right?"

Oh no. Coby had barely given him these recruits a week ago and one of them was about to die. Helmeppo jumped in front of his student and desperately tried to fend off his legendary mentor. "I'm so sorry sir! He didn't me-!"

"Bwahahahaha! I like you kid! You've got guts!" Garp grinned that D grin that was the bane of marines the world over- no matter which source it came from. "Yeah, that little brat's mine. Still think he and his brothers woulda made fine marines though... What of it?"

"Did you train him?"

"Course I did! I wasn't the only one mind, but the little brat never woulda gotten as far as he has without my Fist of Love!"

Helmeppo did _not_ like where this was going. In order to try and save his student from that particular bullet, the admiral turned to face Brody, activating his lecture voice. "Petty Officer Brody, this is Garp the Fist, one of the greatest heroes of the Marine Corps. You should address him with respect, not as 'old geezer.' Apologize at once!"

A heavy hand landed on Helmeppo's shoulder. The admiral turned to face his still-laughing mentor, not knowing what to expect. Although whatever it was, it certainly wasn't a massive noogie. He was a marine admiral, by all the gods! Marine admirals didn't get noogies! It was beneath their dignity, it was disrespectful, it was a messy waste of potentially useful time and manpower... In other words, it was exactly the sort of thing Garp would do. "Ah, don't worry about it Blondie. Like I said, I like the kid. Leave him be."

Garp looked back at Brody without releasing his hold on Helmeppo. "So Brat, what's with the twenty questions?"

"Train me!" Brody demanded, leaping to his feet and brandishing his broom. Helmeppo and Garp both blinked at him in confusion.

"Huh?"

"I want to catch Monkey D Luffy and you're his grandfather, so you must know his weaknesses! Train me! Admiral Butt-Chin doesn't teach us anything useful; all he does is make us clean and read, and lecture us about history and tactics and stuff that I'm never gonna use. I need someone like you to teach me how to fight!"

"Bwahahahahahaha! Admiral Butt-Chin!" Garp wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. "Where'd you find thins one Blondie?"

"He's one of the three Coby gave me to train. Now will you please release me sir?"

For possibly the first time in his life, Garp did as asked. His face was grim as he looked down at Brody. "Don't need history, eh? Tell me, has he taught you about the War of the Best yet?"

"No sir!"

"Then you don't know... Listen Brat, the surest way to either piss Luffy off or make him break down is something that happened in that war. I won't be telling you; it's- It's not something I like thinking about either. If only those three had become the fine marines I wanted them to..." Garp's face darkened and closed off. The old marine wandered away down the hall, muttering something about needing a drink. Brody blinked up at Helmeppo in confusion.

"Three sir? If he's talking about the pirate king and his brother... who's the third?"

Helmeppo shook his head. "This is why you need to pay attention in your history lessons- or at least ask Rose if you can borrow her notes when you fall asleep. Before the War of the Best, Monkey D Luffy had _two_ older brothers."

It was satisfying to watch the colour drain from Brody's face, leaving it an ashen hue. "And he thought... I would never use something like that against an opponent, not even a pirate!"

"And neither would Garp. He wasn't encouraging it, merely stating a fact." Helmeppo slapped his errant student on the back of the head, just enough Haki in his hand to make the pain stick. "Now, as far as calling me Admiral Butt-Chin goes... Get your insubordinate ass down to the laundry room. You're on duty down there until further notice."

"Yes sir." Brody saluted glumly and left. Helmeppo smiled. Normally recruits who broke the rules were sent to clean the bathrooms instead, but the laundry worked so much better on Brody for some reason. He wondered why. Not that the admiral had long to ponder this conundrum. Almost as soon as Brody left, there was a high pitched scream from an office further up the hall.

"Lucius, you idiot! The azure ones go to Ennies Lobby! That's turquoise- it goes to Shells Town!"

"Ouch! Watch where you're swinging that thing woman! And I don't see any difference!"

"Then you need your eyes checked!"

Helmeppo sighed and headed off to find out what the Hell had gone wrong with the filing this time. Why couldn't his students just work together like he and Coby had? It would've made his life so much easier. This had to be Coby's payback for trying to shoot him when they first met that fateful day when Luffy came to Shells Town; that was the only logical reason for him to have saddled Helmeppo with this madness.


End file.
